Lip Service

It has come to my attention that the Bonawi tribe in Southwest Borneo practices fellatio and cunnilingus on a regular basis. It is part of a culture that is thousands of years old. Imagine my chagrin. I thought I made it up.

Actually it is their particular means of birth control. They are a highly sexed people. (This is not terribly surprising. Running around as they do with their privates flapping and swinging in the balmy breezes could excite a Mormon.) And they live on an island with limited resources. Years ago the island began to teem with Bonawis. Realizing that overpopulation was risking their way of life and, further, that a hard pecker and moist vagina occurring simultaneously in time and space was a terrible thing to waste, they began to rely heavily on oral stimulation as a means of sexual release.

This served several purposes. First, it was a very effective form of birth control. Secondly, it was a dietary supplement. Sperm, as it turns out, is very rich in calcium and vitamin C and is a splendid source of protein. And lastly, it is an excellent form of recreation and pair bonding and whoopee making. In short, it is a system that has worked well and benefited the people. The island remains fruitful and the natives are well fed and smug and about as gosh-darned content as you're going to find. "Missionary sex", as they call it, is still practiced, but only on days of high ritual.

I bring this up not out of overwhelming anthropological interest but as an immodest proposal. It strikes me that we have much to learn from the Bonawis. We are as a culture and as a nation threatening to reach a critical number, a population from which we can not recover. Oral sex is the perfect remedy for that. There are no prescriptions necessary, no messy creams, nothing to insert or put on. No vending machines that can hang up. None of that packaging to dispose of. It is a foolproof form of birth control and requires only minimal instructions. It is virtually impossible to do it wrong.

It is my own personal theory that most of society's ills are caused by individuals getting insufficient nookie. Gambling, drugs, alcohol---these are all addictions that have at their root a burning, unrequited need for a blow-job. Overspending, depression, anger---these are all conditions which are caused by not being eaten often enough or well enough. Oral sex is free, promotes universal harmony and the universal OM. What is 69 if not the ancient ying and yang, the eternal balance, the perfect unity? The Bonawis, in their island innocence, discovered the ultimate solution to all of what ails us. All of these years we have been wagging our tongues and flapping our gums in political debate and inane discourse when we should have been wagging and flapping each other.

Bon appetit!